How Not to Sext
by obsidians
Summary: Reno is attempting to sext with his lover and doesn't realize he has the wrong contact.
1. Chapter 1

Reno crawled into bed after an exhausting day.

He was on mission and that tested even his incredible endurance to the limits and he was coming down from an adrenaline high and feeling slightly lonely and horny as result. So, he took out his PHS and texted or sexted Scarlet, or thought he did.

In fact, he accidently texted Tifa, someone who was blind when it came to flirtation and had never sexted before.

"Hey Gorgeous" he texted to her.

Tifa was enjoying a cup of tea after closing the bar and was getting ready to turn in for the night. She wondered who was texting her that time of night and pondered the weird message from Reno that was there but didn't think anything of it, he was normally given to calling women by pet names in her experience.

"Hey yourself" she finally texted back.

"Do you miss me?" he texted to his lover.

That gave Tifa pause, as she didn't even know he was missing and certainly didn't know his schedule. "How's the weather where you are?" she texted back to be polite.

"Hot as you" he answered back.

"Thank you" Tifa texted.

"I'm in bed wearing only a smile" he texted invitingly.

"You know that you have to replace or wash sheets more often if you sleep naked" Tifa cautioned him.

He frowned at this "I'll let the hotel staff worry about that. What are you wearing?" he ventured.

Tifa looked down at herself and wondered why he wanted to know, but politely texted back. "I have on my pair of bunny slippers and a floral flannel nightgown."

Reno's eyes widened in disbelief at the idea of Scarlet wearing any of that! "What are you doing right now?" he prodded his lover.

"Having a cup of tea" she answered.

"Is there honey in that tea?" he teased her.

"Yes, and lemon too" Tifa answered.

"I wish I were there. I could put that honey to other uses" he teased.

"I suppose you could put it on a slice of bread for a late-night snack" Tifa texted back to the weird message, mystified by the weird tone of his conversation.

"Oh, I would eat something alright" he texted with a smirk.

"I have to go soon" Tifa texted back to this.

"Touch yourself" Reno texted to her.

Tifa shrugged and touched her forefinger to her opposite arm, "I did" she ventured.

"Did that feel good?" he asked her.

"I guess" she texted back.

"I bet you can't wait for me to come home" he texted.

"Could you bring me back a souvenir keychain from wherever you are? I collect them. I'll pay you back of course" Tifa requested.

Reno wondered what the hell was going on with Scarlet. He couldn't picture her collecting anything but male hearts to eat for breakfast and certainly had never offered to repay him for anything he had ever given her. He was getting sick of the stilted conversation that she clearly wasn't latching onto. He decided to make one final attempt and then call it a night.

"Come on, send me a picture of something dirty. I need inspiration" he encouraged her.

Tifa questioned what he meant and then set her spoon in her used mug and took a picture of that and sent it to him and went to turn in for the night.

Reno could only blink in surprise at the image.


	2. Chapter 2

Reno finally turned in for the night after relieving his frustrations in his own handy way and drifted off to sleep.

It wasn't until he looked at his phone the next morning that he realized he was sexting with Tifa and not Scarlet like he thought and felt the need to apologize to her.

"Morning Tifa, sorry about the weird texts last night" he texted to her.

She looked at her phone when she got her notification and texted back. "WTF were they about?"

"I thought I was texting with Scarlet" Reno explained.

"Ew, how could you even touch that nasty tramp? She's a walking venereal disease" Tifa texted.

That rather offended Reno "she's _not_ as bad as she seems. She can even be quite…..pleasant. She's certainly beautiful" he texted to her.

"Only on the outside" Tifa countered.

"Look, we just have an arrangement and I sext with her when I'm away" he threw out there.

"What is sexting?" Tifa asked him.

"You seriously don't know what that is? I assumed with Cloud being gone so much that you two… Never mind. It's making sexy talk via text. Like this: I'll slide my hands down your thighs and start to kiss your stomach, making eye contact with each kiss. Then I'll stop at your hip bones and ask what's for dinner and you'll say…..?"

Tifa read this curious message typed back "Lasagna"

Reno couldn't help chuckling at this "that was truly horrible. Try saying you want to sleep with me. Just say it, I don't expect you to" he encouraged her.

"Okay, I want to sleep with you" she typed after a brief hesitation.

"I wanna baby :)" he typed back.

"Oh, boy or girl?" she asked him.

"How do you mean?" he asked her.

"Do you want a boy baby or a girl baby?" she asked him.

"No I meant, I want you as in you're my baby" he corrected himself.

"That would be: I wanna **apostrophe** baby. Okay, I think this is one of those times being grammatically correct is important" she pointed out.

"Try it again" he encouraged her with a groan.

"I want to sleep with you" she ventured.

"I would love to but you're so fat. Wait, that was a typo. I meant far, as in far away. You're not fat in the least!" he quickly added.

"This method of communication leaves a lot to be desired" she observed.

"Okay, we'll try this again. I want to do things with you involving sheet and pillows" he typed with a groan.

"We're building a fort. That does sound like fun!" she brightly said. She had to admit that having this text chat with the redhead was certainly livening up her predictable morning.

"You're hopeless at this" he observed.

"Probably. I have to run. I have to get the kids to school. Here's a picture of my cat to entertain you" she said and took that picture and sent it and then went to retrieve the now full backpacks to hand to her adopted children and bustled them out that door.

Reno could only blink at the picture, she'd sent him a picture of her _actual_ cat. It was a fluffy grey and rather obese and written underneath were written the words in pink glitter font,"Hi Reno, I'm Peanut. Am I sexy enough of a beast for you?"


	3. Chapter 3

Reno reeled into his hotel room wearing a shit eating grin that only the truly drunk could perfect. He _giggled_ as he almost lost his balance removing the black boots he wore when he was going out on the prowl, looking to score. He collapsed on the bed and managed to paw his way out of his clunky studded black leather jacket and let it fall over the side. He removed his hair tie and allowed the thin fall of the long hair he retained to stream down his back unhindered to his hips.

He flopped back on the bed wearing just his exceedingly snug black worn jeans and a wife beater that was so tight on his skin that it looked like it was attempting to constrict the breath from his body like a snake.

He groaned as this allowed his cell phone to dig uncomfortably into his firm right buttock and lifted his butt enough to allow him to dig it out. He settled back again and texted Tifa as had become a habit of his during his month long mission.

"Hey what are you wearing?" he asked her.

Tifa picked up her cell and grinned at his message. She wouldn't dare admit it to anyone, let alone the Turk, that his "sexting" conversations had become the high point of her dull life. It was funny how little she'd known about Reno and he was a mystery still, but he was funny and witty and fun to chat with as he tried to explain how to sext to the clueless and plain spoken Tifa.

"A black lace corset with matching panties and stay up stockings with tasseled garters" she replied.

"Bullshit, you're wearing a huge t-shirt that once belonged Cloud that's so old and has been washed so many times that it's now a faded grey to the black it once was. You have your hair up in a sloppy bun and are indulging in your secret habit of eating sinfully sweet desserts" he shrewdly texted back.

"I am not eating anything!" Tifa texted back from where she was wearing Cloud's t-shirt and indeed wore her hair in a bun. She guiltily slid the slice of double chocolate cake away from herself. "Just how closely did the president have you monitoring us?" she texted back.

"Verrrry closely, I always enjoyed watching you shower. You have the cutest heart shaped mole on your right ass cheek" he admitted.

"Stalker!" Tifa said with a blush but didn't break off the conversation.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I will admit to being a _little_ drunk" he texted back.

"Ah, so you were out trying to score. Didn't you manage a conquest for the evening?" she asked him.

"The women were plentiful and willing but I wasn't in the mood" he admitted and wondered at that. All he had wanted to do was get back to his hotel room and have his nightly chat with Tifa as soon as he started to drink to the excess and turned down a couple offers to return to his lonely room. He certainly wouldn't have done that in that past.

"Oh, so it's my turn to guess your attire. You're wearing jeans that you've probably owned for a decade, that are so tight on you that you can see which side of a gil coin is showing in your back pocket. You have on a wife beater, your clunky boots and your heavy leather jacket….." Tifa shrewdly said.

"I took the jacket off" he smugly admonished her with a smirk.

"Okay and you're also wearing those leather half gloves that appear to serve no purpose whatsoever" Tifa countered wit her own smirk.

Reno looked at his gloves and wrenched them off "I'm not wearing them" he typed back.

"I often wondered why this is your preferred pick up attire" Tifa said.

"Women like a bad boy" he explained.

"I would call that false advertising" she objected.

"How do you mean?" he demanded.

"I suspect you once were, but that was a long time ago. Now you're little more than a bureaucrat with an unusual job" Tifa observed.

"That is entirely not true!" Reno hotly typed to her.

"Let's examine what you've become. I know you were born in the slums and probably lived a hard life with little parental guidance. You learned to fend for yourself at an early age. Then you seized an opportunity and the bad boy you once were became what you are now. However, you've changed, yes you posture and keep up your ghetto slang but I suspect that masks a deep intelligence. Now you hold a job and got a promotion based on your job performance. That is how you earn promotions in an office. You're second in charge of your people and probably only take your scheduled vacations and don't slack off like you seem. You're more noble than you care to admit, that was shown how you you refused to take Cloud in during the Don Cornello incident because you were quote "off duty". I bet you're hardly ever late for work" Tifa guessed.

"I'm late _all_ the time" Reno insisted.

"Do you call in when you are?" Tifa challenged him.

"I have to. I am _not_ a bureaucrat!" he insisted.

"The Turks were not what you once were. You'll always be secretive but you're much more benign now, they've changed and so have you. Thanks for your help with the Remnants" Tifa added with an amused smile and wondered why he wasn't answering.

Reno could only stare at his phone as what she said sunk in. Was it possible….Nah. "I'll always be a bad boy" he finally insisted.

"If you want to be" Tifa conceded. "Why text me, is Scarlet too busy stupping old men in her lust for power?" she asked him.

Reno thought about this and rolled over on his front and lifted his legs up, looking rather like a teenaged girl chatting with her first crush. "Scarlet and I have an arrangement. I feel rather lost when I'm away from all that is familiar to me and she helps ground me by sexting with me" his drunken brain admitted, something he would never dare admit to anyone.

"So it's just a connection to home that you seek?" Tifa asked him.

"Yeah" he said.

"Okay, I'm going to tell you what I would do to you if I were there" Tifa said.

"Now you're talking" Reno said with interest.

"Get undressed and under the covers" she insisted and Reno complied.

"Now what?" he asked her.

"I would draw the covers over you and tuck you in good and tight" she texted.

"That's not very sexy" he observed in a sleepy way as the cool sheet began to warm from his trapped body heat and his body relaxed in anticipation of sleep.

"Then I would press a kiss to your forehead and brush back your eternally floppy bangs and whisper good night to you. I would hold your hand as I sit beside until you're asleep and turn out the lights and tiptoe out and close the door softly after myself" Tifa added, caressing her PHS like it was his sleepy face.

"That sounds kinda…..nice. I wish you were here" he said and then caught himself and actually blushed at his admission. "I gotta go to sleep. I'll text you tomorrow night" he hastily said and smiled when her final text to him was the emoji for a pair of kissing lips.

Tifa just smiled in her still apartment with only the soft snoring coming from Denzel's room to keep her company.


End file.
